Handicapping the Mitchell Report

With the revelation of the Mitchell Report tomorrow (today, most likely, for those reading this), I thought it might be appropriate to handicap the names likely to appear.

Feel free to add any of your own ideas in the comments.

1. Barry Bonds: OFF. We all think he's done it. What I don't know is whether the investigators even bothered. So, he's off the table.
2. Anyone on the Orioles between 2002 and now: EVEN. David Segui, Raffi Palmeiro, and Jay Gibbons have all copped to using. Miguel Tejada might as well have.
3. Anna Benson: 25:1
4. Manny Ramirex: 15:1, and I will actually buy his excuse that he had no idea what he was putting into his body.
5. David Ortiz: 17.5:1. This will be the saddest day of my life if this is true. He was big then and he's big now. I don't think there's enough of a drastic change, but who the fuck am I?
6. Paul Lo Duca: 7:1. Fuck this guy.
7. Jason Kendall: 20:1. Shouldn't steroids make you hit better?
8. Brian Giles: 20:1. See above.
9. Bret Boone: 2:1. Monster years (comparatively, anyway) from '01-'03, then a huge dropoff. But these odds are for the ears.
10. Aaron Boone: 4:1. Brotherly love.
11. Bob Boone: 100:1
12. Jason Varitek: 10:1. 'Roid rage.
13. Morgan Ensberg: 3:1
14. Todd Jones: 3:1
15. Ivan Drago: EVEN. We watched him do this. 2:24 into the video.
    
16. Samson: 2:1. His body of work might be too far back for this report. Also, I'm pretty sure steroids weren't invented then.
17. Satchel Paige: 200:1. Age ain't nothing but a number.
    
18. Livan Hernandez: 10:1
19. Henry Rowengartner: 4:1. Only for the suspicion of use.
20. Willie Mays Hayes: 6:1. Steroids will do weird things to your face. And allow you to make the transition from the Majors to the NFL.
21. Jobu: 7:1. Cerrano clean.
22. Carlos Delgado: 5:1. Delgado dirty?
    
23. Pudge Rodriguez: 4:1. Maybe the "natural" Pudge wasn't so natural.
24. Tom Brady: 30:1. I don't care. Anything to stop this "Pursuit of Perfection" bullshit. Let's see Matt Cassel throw an "Eff You" TD, slip one past some starlet's goalie, and never smile.
25. Alex Rodriguez: 7.5:1. Just because I think I would shit my pants.
26. Jason Giambi: EVEN. Obvious.
27. The rest of the Yankees roster: 12.5:1. Fuck you, Jordan.
28. The Mighty Casey: EVEN. Look at that chin. That upper body. That sheer fictitiousness. He's juicing for sure.
29. Sean "The Less Than Mighty" Casey: 15:1
30. Bartolo Colon: 3:1
31. Kevin Millwood: 5:1
32. Ryan Howard: 20:1. He's just large. And I am a Phillies fan.
33. Miguel Cabrera: 15:1. More likely food-related than drug-related.
34. OJ Simpson: 2:1. JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUICE! (Note: any capitalized reference to "Juice" or "stealing memorabilia" counts.)
    
35. Duce Staley: 100:1. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE!
36. Pete Rose: 20:1. Now he'll never get into the Hall.
37. Jamie Moyer: 50:1.
38. John Rocker: 3:1. Do steroids make you racist? Homophobic? Maybe?
39. AJ Pierzynski: 4:1. Do steroids make you a little bitch? Just a douche? OK.
40. Juan Pierre: 1000:1. No way. That 'stache may have. But not Juan. They don't make uniforms small enough for him.

Obviously there will be a lot more names. And, unlike this list, they will all play baseball. And exist. But I've got my fingers crossed for Brady. Fuck the Patsies.