The Last Act of a Desperate Man

As the NFL season winds down and the playoff picture clears up, most teams are really playing for just one thing: the right to get their asses handed to them by the Patriots in as late of a round as possible. Rather than deny their greatness, I’ll do what most sane, helpless people would: create a completely symbolic, meaningless way to get back at them through the Interwebs. Obviously, the potential for humorous, life-threatening injury will be involved.

Threats have been made and bounties have been declared, but to this point, nobody has stepped to the table and done something stupid and illegal to win the hearts of most rightful-thinking Americans by taking a major member of the Patriots out. What we need is a fantasy team of unscrupulous bastards to complete the task.

With the Dolphins set to face the Patriots this weekend, I figure we might as well suit these hooligans up on the other side of the ball now. It’s not like the Dolphins, even with the hiring of Other Tuna, have anything to play for – the #1 pick is locked up and they’ve secured bitter mediocrity instead of utter and historic futility.

So I’m getting in touch with my inner Hedy Hedley Lamarr and assembling every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the West. I’ve got rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Here we go:

Paul Crewe – Football to the groin! Football to the groin! If it only took two shots to knock out the mighty Ray Nitschke, imagine what he could do to that tampon Brady. Played quarterback before he was felled by a point-shaving scandal; however, his prison experience likely enabled him to pick up some new skills.

Omar Little – Just the thought of him strolling casually up to the backfield, sawed-off shotgun in tow, whistling “Farmer in the Dell” would cause anyone to shit their pants. Besides, a man got to have a code, and play-action passes on 4th down up 40 late aren’t part of that.

Brendan Frye – Did an absolute number on Brad Bramish’s leg; the dude is an ACL injury waiting to happen. This is useful work experience, since if you don’t put Brad Bramish in the game, then Brad Bramish can’t do what needs to be done.

Anton Chigurh – The ultimate badass? Sounds just about right for this little goon squad. More insidiously, he could off the referee before the game with his cattle gun, leading to the most jaw-droppingly awesome coin toss of all time. “Mr. Brady, this is the most important coin toss of your life. Call it, friendo.”

Terry Tate, Office Linebacker – You get the impression he’s a little tired of using those mad skills on idiots who don’t understand basic tenets of workplace etiquette. Easily the hungriest member of the roster.

Red Grant – Yeah, he ultimately got his ass kicked, but it took Sean Connery in the prime of his James Bond career to do so. Do you see anyone capable of that on the Pats roster? Me neither. Would also complement Chigurh by being the world’s most terrifying timekeeper, and could antagonize Belichick by calling him “old man” repeatedly.

Ashley “Ash” Williams – No army of darkness would be complete without him. Come on, he has a chain saw for a hand! A chain saw!

And for good measure, we could add in Bart Scott to properly dispose of any flags that might be thrown at this very necessary roughness. Any suggestions, complete with the voodoo that they do so well, are encouraged in the comments.